Difficult Conversation Template for Engineering Managers

# Difficult Conversation Preparation Template

## Pre-Conversation Planning

### What's the Issue?
**Specific Behavior/Situation:**
[Describe objectively what happened - facts only, no judgment]

**When & Where:**
[Dates, contexts, specific instances]

**Impact:**
- On team: [How it affected others]
- On work: [Business/project impact]
- On their career: [How it's holding them back]

### What's My Intent?
**What I Want to Achieve:**
[Be clear on your goal: change behavior, resolve conflict, set expectations]

**What I Don't Want:**
[What outcomes to avoid: damage relationship, demotivate, etc.]

### What Might They Be Thinking?
**Their Likely Perspective:**
[Try to understand their side - why might they have acted this way?]

**Possible Reactions:**
- Best case: [They're receptive]
- Worst case: [They're defensive]
- Most likely: [Your prediction]

## Conversation Structure

### 1. Opening (Set the Tone)
"[Name], I want to talk about [topic]. This conversation is important because [why you care]. I value you on the team and want to work through this together."

### 2. State the Facts (No Judgment)
"Here's what I've observed: [Specific examples with dates and context]"

Example:
"In the last three sprint reviews, you've interrupted teammates while they're presenting. On Tuesday, you cut off Sarah mid-sentence and challenged her technical approach in front of the whole team."

### 3. Share the Impact
"This is affecting: [Concrete impacts on team, work, relationships]"

Example:
"Sarah told me she's hesitant to share ideas now. The team dynamic has become tense. We're losing psychological safety."

### 4. Listen & Understand
"Help me understand your perspective. What's going on?"

[Take notes. Listen without interrupting. Ask clarifying questions.]

Their Response:
[Leave space to capture their view]

### 5. Co-Create Solutions
"Here's what needs to change: [Be specific about required behavior]"

"How can we make this happen? What support do you need?"

**Action Plan:**
1. [Action item 1 - who, what, when]
2. [Action item 2 - who, what, when]
3. [Action item 3 - who, what, when]

### 6. Set Follow-Up
"Let's check in on [date] to see how things are going."

**Next Check-in:** [Date]
**Success Looks Like:** [Specific observable changes]

## After the Conversation

**What Went Well:**
[Reflect on what worked]

**What I'd Do Differently:**
[Learning for next time]

**Follow-Up Actions:**
- [ ] [Document conversation in 1:1 notes]
- [ ] [Send summary email if needed]
- [ ] [Provide resources/support discussed]
- [ ] [Schedule follow-up meeting]
- [ ] [Loop in HR if necessary]

## Scripts for Common Difficult Conversations

### Performance Not Meeting Expectations
"Your work on [project] hasn't met the standards we need. Specifically, [examples]. This is concerning because [impact]. I want to support you in improving. Let's talk about what's getting in the way and how I can help."

### Behavioral Issue (Attitude, Communication)
"I need to address something that's becoming a pattern. [Specific behaviors with examples]. This is affecting [impact on team/work]. I know you're capable of better. What's going on, and how can we fix this together?"

### Conflict Between Team Members
"I've noticed tension between you and [person]. Specifically, [examples]. This is hurting the team's ability to [impact]. I need you both to work together professionally. Let's talk about what's causing this and how to move forward."

### Delivering a PIP (Performance Improvement Plan)
"We've discussed [issues] multiple times, and I haven't seen the improvement we need. I'm putting you on a formal performance improvement plan. This is serious - if things don't change in [timeframe], your role here is at risk. But I believe you can do this, and here's how we'll support you."

### Denying a Promotion Request
"I know you were hoping for a promotion this cycle. Right now, you're not ready because [specific gaps with examples]. Here's what needs to change to get there: [clear criteria]. Let's create a plan to get you promoted in the next cycle."